Tuesday, 8 March 2016

The Climb



The Climb





Despite my struggles, I told myself 'I can and I will' and I DID. This is me at the beginning of 2016 embarking on both Cockburn Stairs and Jacob's Ladder in Western Australia. Both combined are over 600 steps. Having been born with a physical disability and told I would never walk, this is something I wanted to share, not because I am a show off, but this is to say I have things that I am proud of that I have overcome. :) My physical disability is spina bifida. Despite being told I would never walk, I took my first steps at three. Nearly thirty two years on, there is no stopping me now.

For a while I was stuck and I really wanted to become 'unstuck'. I've now come to realize that life is going to have its ups and down, it's always going to have it's uphill challenges where things may be hard and smooth steps where things may seem to be too good to be true from time to time. Life is about that climb though. I really feared moving forward, what about if all my dreams came true and it became too overwhelming for me? What about if I failed? Would people think any less of me? I wasn't sure. I was so scared about what was waiting on the other side of the changes I needed and still need to make. What about if what I found wasn't what I wanted? what about if I ended up being in a worse place? What would people think of me? All of these questions were buzzing around in my head and it was doing my head in and causing massive road blocks as it was with these questions buzzing around that I completely stopped myself from doing what I'm now doing... Throwing caution to the wind and achieving. I may still lose my way from time to time but I am determined to get to where I want to get and enjoy the scenery in my climb through life.

Life isn't always easy, no one ever said it would be but it is certainly worth it, every second, every minute, every hour is precious.

Every step can be painful but the more steps we take can be closer to where we want to be and who we want to be.

Now I am not going to profess to be any better than the next person or that I have all the answers. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm just winging it, really. In recent times, I've spread my wings.

Let me tell you a little about myself, I am 31 and was born with spina bifida, I started off in humble beginnings. Mum and Dad were told that I would never walk. At three I took my first proper steps... I can and I will. I showed them !! (The doctors).

There was a time where I had no answers and so many questions, I questioned life sooo much, I became fearful of it, I feared IT more than IT feared me and I tried to pretend that if I wasn't feeling scared, angry or sad at the world or I tried to cover up how I was feeling, that maybe those feelings maybe, just maybe, might go away. The relationship with myself needed a hero and the only person that could be that hero was me. The hero of my own destiny. I was a complete cow to myself, my thoughts, my words, I came to realize that while I have friends around me, I needed to start being a friend to myself and I am still working on that today.  It's my life to live and I need to go out and search for what I'm so desperately seeking. No one else could do that for me, but ME. Nothing is clear cut and at times all too confusing. I have come to the realization that it doesn't matter how long I have been traveling in the wrong direction, I can always change the course of where I am going. At present I am trying to find fulfillment in life and it's not about having everything, not about being the person that lives in a tiny cottage with a picket fence surrounding it, not being rich and living in a mansion and who has traveled the world extensively, it's about being in the here and now, not worrying about the future, taking in what is happening today and being ok with that.

It was a life affirming moment when I looked around and asked myself 'what the hell are you doing Tracey'?

It didn't matter what I did at any given point, it just didn't fulfill me any longer.

Now, here comes that Earth shattering, scary as all Hell word... CHANGE. Something had to change... I had to change... My moods had to change.... My surroundings had to change, which in turn were going to help my moods, where everything was going had to change direction. Instead of going down a downward spiral I had to climb UP the spiral. Step by step, I had to do it, not for my parents, not for my dear friends, not for Joe Bloggs who lives down the road, but for ME. At first I thought it was selfish of me to do this and maybe some people might see it that way, but I have come to the realization that it is none of my business what other people think of me. The important people will be there to see me rise above everything. Higher and higher, every pain staking step.

If I didn't try new things, meet new people, nothing was going to change, everything was going to stay the same, just like peeling an egg, I decided for myself and my own sanity that I needed to come out of my shell. I was lost... completely lost and things had to CHANGE (There's that scary word again !! CHANGE). I knew that if my attitude didn't change, I would end up a very bitter, sad and lonely person. While I had and still do have many around me, I felt alone, I also knew that even though I have no right to resent anyone, but I would end up resenting time gone by and even go through a grieving process of time gone by... Time I can NEVER get back.

Something cracked inside of me and all of these feelings, thoughts and things started coming alive. Without me realizing it, I was existing, not living.

It all seems too easy at times to just give in or give up, but this year I have a burning desire to give it all I've got. And I have so far... I have been able to achieve things beyond my wildest dreams... I'm doing things I never thought possible. It was now or never.

It has only been approximately three months into my journey but I already feel like a completely different person. I decided a 'BUCKET LIST' was needed and I am currently ticking off my list as I go.


I don't believe I am an inspiration, I am doing things not because of any kind of disability I have, but despite it, this includes: climbing Cockburn Stairs, writing children's books, having some art showcased in an art exhibition, Jacob's ladder and most recently, indoor rock climbing and I've even booked in PT sessions. Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon !!!

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