i think therefore i am- i think the thought that i am...

Do you often say 'I can't' 'Why am I such an idiot?' 'I'm lazy' 'I'm stupid'. ???

Stop !!! When you say 'I'm an idiot', THINK. Then you're think the thought that you're an idiot, then you're think the thought of your thinking. Where is that thinking taking you? It's taking you down a negative road. Why are you thinking these thoughts? Do you really think you're an idiot? That you're worthless and stupid? Do you really think that low about yourself? Surely not.

Words wound sometimes, whether they are words others speak to you, you speak to them, but have you ever thought what the verbal words you tell yourself or your internal dialogue does to you and your self esteem? If you have never thought of these things, STOP and be nice to yourself, you wouldn't treat a friend that way, so don't do it to yourself.

I also say a lot and this needs to stop too: 'You're going to think I am crazy for saying this... 'You're going to think I'm an idiot...' Are they really? How am I to know what another is thinking? Why would I think the thoughts of what another is thinking and why would I think the way I think they think about me. It's a tongue twister and also a mind twister too.

Past be gone !!

This is by no means a 'I am so good' 'Look at me!!' 'I'm the ducks guts' I'm the ants pants' or the 'bees knees' for that matter.

Let me explain... At 17 (I am now nearly 32, 32 next week for that matter) I was 22 kilos heavier than what I am now. I am now even smaller than what I was at my year seven graduation !!!

My point, I hold on to a lot and I finally realized that some of the material things are not needed in my life, some of the clutter, if not most of it, needed and still needs to go...

I thought and thought, what could I do constructively, rather than destructively to let go of some of my past?

That's when that light bulb moment hit me and I realized that plastic bags needed to be filled, filled to the brim. I am aiming to donate these to the Salvation Army or St Vincent De Paul where someone will need my clothes. They need these clothes more than me. 

 Further to this post, I have managed to fill three big bags so far with STILL MORE TO COME.... I'm not sure how much a standard bag weighs, (to say that it weighs a ton is a slight exaggeration even when carrying it if it feels that way.) If I haven't got rid of more clothes in kilos than I have lost, I would be extremely surprised.

Determination comes from 1 per cent inspiration and 99 per cent perspiration. Old and a goody but true.

Blood sweat and many many many tears.

There was a time where I would be so lazy, not want to do anything, I now want to do everything in my power to better myself every day, not be better than anyone as we are all equal, but a better person than I was yesterday. Now I DON'T want to come across as an inspiration because I don't like that word at all. An inspiration to me is someone that does something that someone else wants to do or to be. I want to be my own person and I want to do my own thing. I don't find a runner an inspiration, because I myself don't want to run, I don't find a footballer an inspiration because I myself don't want to be in the AFL. I want to be my own person and do my own thing. I admire people that set themselves goals and I set myself goals too. I never set myself a time frame as when I get to that time frame and I know full well I haven't accomplished what I set out to achieve, I automatically feel as though I have failed. I am from now on going to feel the fear and leave it behind, I will feel that immense fear and do it anyway !!

I get back into the gym and into the water tomorrow. I haven't been in the water for a while but I will be commencing my water aerobics and I can't wait. I have enjoyed pushing myself to my limits, beyond those limits and this year alone have proven that the fear I am now leaving behind was the fear of the unknown. What about if I failed? What about if I had to admit defeat? What would other people think of me? I then realized.

BUGGER THEM!! IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME. It's what I think of me that really truly matters at the end of the day. When I look at the woman looking back at me at the end of the day, I can really, truly tell you I am so proud of her. I can tell you that person that I am proud of... IS ME. I'm not better than anyone else, I am a determined young lady who has perspired her way through 2016 and accomplished a lot so far and that is something to be proud of 

Where my exercise journey began

I'm going to be adding more photos as I go but these are two to start with. After leaving an employment position, I was completely lost. In some cases, I am that way again but life has taken a completely different direction. There is a noticeable difference, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually all thanks to water aerobics and finding that I am stronger physically mentally and emotionally.

I am a 'water baby'.  Born with Spina Bifida, Mum and Dad were told that I would never walk, alas, I took my first steps at almost three. Water was a huge part of my early years and I took to it 'like a duck to water' you might say.

It was in my early school years that I lost confidence and I refused to get back into the water. Mum and Dad were beating their heads against a brick wall wondering how to get me back into the water. They bought a house with an enclosed pool and I soon gained my confidence back.

Fast forward quite a few years and that house was sold so I got out of the water and didn't enter back into the water much. While I didn't have great fear like my early years, I lacked confidence again... That was until a person I now call a dear friend came knocking on my door to help me get out into the community, to get to know each other we went for a swim. I was a bit dubious and skeptical at first but I soon got the hang of it.... AND THEN... AND THEN....

In the distance was a water aerobics class going on, this same lady looked at me, I looked at her, she looked back at me and she said...
'you want to try that don't you?'

The rest, as they say, is history.

Up until I decided to leave my last gym, I had been doing water aerobics for approximately four years. Great for me physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I will be commencing this again shortly but in the mean time I am loving the gym !!!

The last few photos you see here are current photos and are testament to my hard work in the gym, not to boast, but it is an incredible feeling.

What would you do if you thought you couldn't fail? You would try anything and do anything.Just remember this, whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right

Sometimes we fight to hold on and we fight to let go, just as I've finished breakfast (and funnily enough I had weetbix this morning) but eggshells are playing on my mind. Eggshells remind me of fragility, something I have fought through the last couple weeks, they break and we break easily, we crack, it doesn't mean we're cracked but we do crack, cracks begin to show in relationships. Sometimes they smash completely to pieces. Sometimes the relationship with ourselves is a shell of our former selves and it's at the point that we become broken and getting rid of the pieces inside that we begin to soften or harden (it depends on how you like your eggs!!) Hard boiled shows strength, something emotionally I am struggling with this morning. Piece by piece, I have had to crack that egg and unshell it as I've tried to find a part of me that I know is somewhere but at this point is completely missing. All of this information from an egg. Fragile is how I feel today and I am fine with fragile for today but I am determined not to stay that way.

Climbing also means reaching for what you're wanting to find

Last night, I went to my first art exhibition, it was great seeing all of the art, meeting the people behind the talent. All of the students either have a disability, disorder or a story behind their art that resonates with their current situation and the life they have lived and continue to live. I am really quite hard on myself and feel like everyone is better than me in their art. We all have our own talent and all of our art (including mine) was show cased in our own right.

The top picture is my bunny poem I wrote and the collage of art is a collection of the students, in the centre is my bunny and poem.

The Climb

The Climb

Despite my struggles, I told myself 'I can and I will' and I DID. This is me at the beginning of 2016 embarking on both Cockburn Stairs and Jacob's Ladder in Western Australia. Both combined are over 600 steps. Having been born with a physical disability and told I would never walk, this is something I wanted to share, not because I am a show off, but this is to say I have things that I am proud of that I have overcome. :) My physical disability is spina bifida. Despite being told I would never walk, I took my first steps at three. Nearly thirty two years on, there is no stopping me now.

For a while I was stuck and I really wanted to become 'unstuck'. I've now come to realize that life is going to have its ups and down, it's always going to have it's uphill challenges where things may be hard and smooth steps where things may seem to be too good to be true from time to time. Life is about that climb though. I really feared moving forward, what about if all my dreams came true and it became too overwhelming for me? What about if I failed? Would people think any less of me? I wasn't sure. I was so scared about what was waiting on the other side of the changes I needed and still need to make. What about if what I found wasn't what I wanted? what about if I ended up being in a worse place? What would people think of me? All of these questions were buzzing around in my head and it was doing my head in and causing massive road blocks as it was with these questions buzzing around that I completely stopped myself from doing what I'm now doing... Throwing caution to the wind and achieving. I may still lose my way from time to time but I am determined to get to where I want to get and enjoy the scenery in my climb through life.

Life isn't always easy, no one ever said it would be but it is certainly worth it, every second, every minute, every hour is precious.

Every step can be painful but the more steps we take can be closer to where we want to be and who we want to be.

Now I am not going to profess to be any better than the next person or that I have all the answers. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm just winging it, really. In recent times, I've spread my wings.

Let me tell you a little about myself, I am 31 and was born with spina bifida, I started off in humble beginnings. Mum and Dad were told that I would never walk. At three I took my first proper steps... I can and I will. I showed them !! (The doctors).

There was a time where I had no answers and so many questions, I questioned life sooo much, I became fearful of it, I feared IT more than IT feared me and I tried to pretend that if I wasn't feeling scared, angry or sad at the world or I tried to cover up how I was feeling, that maybe those feelings maybe, just maybe, might go away. The relationship with myself needed a hero and the only person that could be that hero was me. The hero of my own destiny. I was a complete cow to myself, my thoughts, my words, I came to realize that while I have friends around me, I needed to start being a friend to myself and I am still working on that today.  It's my life to live and I need to go out and search for what I'm so desperately seeking. No one else could do that for me, but ME. Nothing is clear cut and at times all too confusing. I have come to the realization that it doesn't matter how long I have been traveling in the wrong direction, I can always change the course of where I am going. At present I am trying to find fulfillment in life and it's not about having everything, not about being the person that lives in a tiny cottage with a picket fence surrounding it, not being rich and living in a mansion and who has traveled the world extensively, it's about being in the here and now, not worrying about the future, taking in what is happening today and being ok with that.

It was a life affirming moment when I looked around and asked myself 'what the hell are you doing Tracey'?

It didn't matter what I did at any given point, it just didn't fulfill me any longer.

Now, here comes that Earth shattering, scary as all Hell word... CHANGE. Something had to change... I had to change... My moods had to change.... My surroundings had to change, which in turn were going to help my moods, where everything was going had to change direction. Instead of going down a downward spiral I had to climb UP the spiral. Step by step, I had to do it, not for my parents, not for my dear friends, not for Joe Bloggs who lives down the road, but for ME. At first I thought it was selfish of me to do this and maybe some people might see it that way, but I have come to the realization that it is none of my business what other people think of me. The important people will be there to see me rise above everything. Higher and higher, every pain staking step.

If I didn't try new things, meet new people, nothing was going to change, everything was going to stay the same, just like peeling an egg, I decided for myself and my own sanity that I needed to come out of my shell. I was lost... completely lost and things had to CHANGE (There's that scary word again !! CHANGE). I knew that if my attitude didn't change, I would end up a very bitter, sad and lonely person. While I had and still do have many around me, I felt alone, I also knew that even though I have no right to resent anyone, but I would end up resenting time gone by and even go through a grieving process of time gone by... Time I can NEVER get back.

Something cracked inside of me and all of these feelings, thoughts and things started coming alive. Without me realizing it, I was existing, not living.

It all seems too easy at times to just give in or give up, but this year I have a burning desire to give it all I've got. And I have so far... I have been able to achieve things beyond my wildest dreams... I'm doing things I never thought possible. It was now or never.

It has only been approximately three months into my journey but I already feel like a completely different person. I decided a 'BUCKET LIST' was needed and I am currently ticking off my list as I go.


I don't believe I am an inspiration, I am doing things not because of any kind of disability I have, but despite it, this includes: climbing Cockburn Stairs, writing children's books, having some art showcased in an art exhibition, Jacob's ladder and most recently, indoor rock climbing and I've even booked in PT sessions. Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon !!!