Hide and Seek and how do you spell IT? I-T.

HIDE & SEEK

It's difficult for me to know or for anyone to know what it is they want out of life and difficult for you to know what I want. If I don't know what I want, I can't expect you to know what it is that I am so desperately seeking. I can't expect that from anyone.  Expectations are dangerous because they lead to bitter disappointment.

Where the Hell do I go from here? and what the Hell do I do? I seem to chop and change.

When things are hard, I seem to retreat into myself, into a fantasy world, to pretend it's not happening. It doesn't exist.

 

I've turned into an incredibly angry and frustrated person. A person I don't like, let alone love anymore. A person who is lost. Let's call her 'SHE', because 'SHE' isn't me and if 'SHE' is, I want 'SHE' to escape. I want 'SHE' not me to seize existence.

I have in my head everything that I NEED to do and I need to do IT.

I need to find IT

I need to do IT

I need to make IT happen.

I just don't know what IT is. 

Everything is changing so it would seem. I am changing. I think.

In the time since joining the gym, I have achieved so much strength physically and in some cases mentally too, emotionally and spiritually are great some days. Some days better than others.

I'm able to get the exercise bike through difficult levels, up alpine passes, I am able to be on the rower machine for longer each time, at least double to when I first started and in 108 days has gone over five times to what I first started. Given I had very weak legs when I first started, I am very proud of that. Eight kilos was what I could handle and now I am doing 45 kilos which is not far off my body weight.

All of this in 108 days, something to be proud of.