I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, but stay a while and maybe you'll see the better part of me. And who I used to be. Me. I've always been me, but working out who the Hell that is, is a huge task sometimes.
The things I have been through in life may be enough to break some people, tear them up inside and you may have days where others want to tear you down also. I've chosen in the past (some days better than others) and today, to rise above it all. Sometimes easier said than done.
It was at 15 where I was at school and realized, school was the last place I wanted to be, for it was at school that I just didn't fit in. Little did I know that years later, people were going to tell me that they idolized me, they respected me for how I carried myself. No, this isn't to big note myself and tell you I am the bees knees, the ants pants or the ducks guts, I am merely telling you, it is what it is. I gave my parents grief and refused to go to school. I didn't rebel in a destructive way, or so I thought...
I didn't resort to drugs
I didn't resort to drinking
I didn't resort to staying out at night
I didn't smoke, never have never will.
STILL NOT THE BEES KNEES, THE ANTS PANTS... I just decided to handle how I felt inside in a different way. The same as my time since school, I've handled things in a million different ways on a million different days.
Fast forward a year on and I was doing good, I wasn't wanting to leave school just to do nothing or to bludge, I wanted to get a job and study an office course... AND THAT IS WHAT I DID. I passed with flying colours and I thrived.
It wasn't long into my course that things started to change for the better... or so I thought.
It was on my 16th birthday and I remember the day like it was just yesterday. Mum AND DAD were in the car. (That never happened). Dad never knocked off of work early... Still I was happy to see the both of them. I received a card from Mum and Dad and a Great Aunty that never forgets my birthday, then I got one from my Nanna. I smiled and exclaimed that I was going to ring Nanna when I got home... SILENCE...
Getting in the house and opening a couple presents and then being greeted by an Aunty and cousin who I had only seen the day before, I felt this was strange...
My world was then rocked by five heart- wrenching words...
'NANNA HAS GONE TO HEAVEN'...
Those words ring in my ears and have done for the last sixteen years. The world as I knew it, had changed.
I went to the shops and saw people talking about their work commitments, picking kids up from school, what they were doing on the weekend, their next holiday was booked...
STOP!!! I want to get off. How can this world go on? Why is everyone carrying on as if the world can just continue? How dare they? I spiraled into a deep depression and barely left the house. I gained so much weight and my self esteem plummeted.
Fast forward ten years and even now a further six years, I have lost all that weight, I had my bad days and days where I wanted to give up, but I DIDN'T... I am now 22 kilos lighter.
It was water aerobics that changed that for me. Upon meeting a lady who wanted to take me out into the community in order to give me confidence, I went swimming, that was even something I feared, but I conquered it.
In the distance I saw the water aerobics going on and I looked at it in AWE.
I looked at the woman I was with.
I looked at the water aerobics
I looked back at the woman.
'You want to try that don't you'.
'HELL YEAH' I exclaimed
And that was just what I did.
Life can throw you curve balls and you may want to wrap the bed sheets around you or over you to pretend that life isn't happening. It goes on.
Fast forward another four years and I am now at the gym and breaking every milestone possible. Did I ever think I could? No way, for it was that lack of confidence in myself and my lack of faith in the journey that took me to a horrible place.
Looking back, I have the greatest view of all, I may of had my trials and tribulations and I don't want to be an inspiration, I don't aspire to be one, I just want to live a happy life and come out a proud and stronger person who can make a difference. Aim high and touch the ceiling.
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