Fearful Of What I Am Capable Of.

It's easy for us to stay in our comfort zone. It's easy for us to just go about our day to day life.

I was at a cross roads last year






  

and if I'm honest with you, I am still there. I have never been a go getter because I don't know what to 'go get'.

What about if I fail?  what about if I can't do it?

I stopped myself. And I stopped myself big time.

Now, some days I am in a panic and unless I am achieving, I'm not feeling as though I am doing anything and I become disheartened.

Last week, I attempted rock climbing again. Even higher up this time.

I am not fooling anyone, because I am in actual fact capable of doing things.

If you had said to me twelve months ago that I would join a gym, I would of laughed, if you said I would be climbing Cockburn Stairs or Jacob's ladder, I would have laughed and more than likely would have wet myself if you had said I would be indoor rock climbing. I am only fearful of what I am capable of, because what I am capable of is at the end of my comfort zone. Attached below are photos of my second attempt indoor rock climbing. This isn't to lead anybody astray in what you thought I could or couldn't do, because I didn't know what I was capable of until I stumbled upon my strength.

   

Out With The Old And In With The New.

   



About fifteen years ago, I was approximately 22 kilos heavier than what I am now.

I have always found it hard to get around. This isn't a 'woe is me' statement, it's a fact.

I decided a few weeks ago that the clothes I had needed to go. There was NO WAY I was going back to where I was. I was unhappy, uncomfortable in my own skin. Things needed to change. I needed to change and change I did.
'I DID IT'.
SO SO PROUD and I'm not afraid to broadcast it.

Despite my struggles to get around, I did what I could, when I could, with what I had. Slowly but surely the weight came off.

Always finding it difficult to get around in the first place, I never should have let myself get to where I got, but life happens and pardon the language SHIT HAPPENS.

I lost my dear nanna on my sixteenth birthday and that was the start of me retreating into myself. I felt lost. Completely and utterly lost. After all, I'd lost a large part of my childhood in my nanna. Being sixty odd years and three days apart, we always celebrated our birthday's together. When I lost Nanna, life as I knew it- CHANGED- CHANGED FOREVER.

People come and go in our lives and it was that realization then and there that nothing stays the same forever.

So why am I still adjusting to change? It gives me an uncomfortable feeling to know that everything is spinning. I am spinning. The world still goes on the way it already has. It doesn't stop.

You go into a shop and people are chatting in different isles, you go to a park and children are happily playing and laughing. People are going about there day to day life.

STOP!!! STOP THIS ROUNDABOUT. STOP THIS VICIOUS CYCLE. I WANT TO GET OFF !!!

Life happens and it has and will continue to happen, whether I like it or not.

Fast forward 15 years and I looked in my draws and closet about a month ago and realized everything I was still holding on to. (My clothes I'm referring to, not my memories I still have of my Nanna).

The clothes I was holding onto were a constant reminder of the unhappy person I once was and I knew that getting rid of the clothes was going to set me free. I put all of my clothes (INTO FOUR LARGE GARBAGE BAGS AND MADE SURE THEY WERE ALL FULL).

Letting them go and letting go of who I once was, has set me FREE.

Time Grabs You By The Wrist, Directs You Where To Go

 


Another fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to to go . So make the best of this test and don't ask why, it's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. Its something unpredictable but in the end its life. i hope you had the time of your life.

I have so much I want to do. Where do I begin ? Just as long as i begin, I  am ok.

 

PUSH !!!

Sometimes we need to fight to get through some bad days and treasure the good days we have because we never know when we are going to have a bad day or a good day because we are in the moment.

When we have a bad day, our world is going to come to and end because it isn't the end of the world.

We just need to PUSH through and maybe with a bit of a PUSH from others we can maybe, just maybe get through those bad days. With  Patience Understanding  S upport and H elp.

It might seem bad but I have managed to PUSH all the wrong people away. The ones that have given me their patience, understanding, support and help. I need those sorts of people in my life. I don't need a large circle, but a supportive circle and that is what I have. I may have my bad days, but not every day is bad, there is some good in my bad days and some bad in my good days.

Tomorrow is a brand new day to begin again.

I'm A Survivor And I'm Going To Make It. I'll Fake It Till I Make It Without Being Fake. In The Process Of Taking Out The Trash.

 

When I look at life, I have realized that things may seem the same but they're not. I've hidden in my shell a lot but then come out of it. I haven't wanted to or meant to lead anybody astray or down the garden path. I've had my fair share of ups and downs.

I AM A SURVIVOR

Starting from humble beginnings, not only was I born with spina bifida, I also have hydrocephalus as well. (Water is the central piece to my whole life because hydrocephalus means water of the brain). Without a shunt, I would not be here today to tell the tale. My first shunt (or neural tube) was inserted in my brain and it uncoiled until it could wrap around my belly button, in other words, it grew with me. When I stopped growing, it did so, too.

I AM A SURVIVOR

I am lucky in the fact that many people I know have had many shunt operations (shunts taken out, new ones' put in, shunts put behind another one etc etc). I am fortunate that I have one on one side that no longer works but has been apart of me my whole life. I started getting headaches at 26 and after passing out, Mum found me on my bed unresponsive, unbeknownst to everyone around me, my first shunt had seized to work anymore. I went straight into hospital to have brain surgery. (Anyone who tells you: 'It's not brain surgery !', tell them 'I will be the judge of that'.

I AM A SURVIVOR.

I have done so many things with my life and so much more to accomplish, not because of my disability but despite it.

I AM A SURVIVOR.

It's been a loooong process of soul searching, but I have now realized that not everyone is meant to stay in my life forever. It's been painful, but I have let go long after 'friends' have let go. When I thought people would be a part of my life forever, I realized 'forever' is a loooong time. They left my life and I have finally come to grips with that, I'm fine with that. I survived.

I AM A SURVIVOR. 

Starting all over again.

As you can all tell, I have got rid of quite a few of my posts, I am wanting to concentrate on where I want things to go. Not where I have been. Some of the places I have been in my past have been great places to be and I know in my future I still have many more amazing places to see and so many amazing things that I want to do with this life. My life. The only life I have to live. I still feel that something is missing in life but I want to focus more on the positives and less on the road blocks and rainy days, hence why I have started my blog again

I am from now on going to write everything positive and I am going to put up the photos that have been deleted but in deleting my posts, it doesn't mean they never existed but more to the point that I am going to work really hard- on myself- in reinventing myself.

For those new to my blog I am Tracey Hicks and I am 32 living in Western Australia and I was born with spina bifida. I can be found on facebook and only legitimate people need respond to what I am going to say, if you are a school teacher or parent with a special needs child or would like to hear my story or would like to read the children's stories I intend to write, please find me, Tracey Hicks on facebook.

I have been able to do so many things not because of my disability but despite it.

My parents were told that 'I would never walk'. Having feeling in my feet (My mum pinched me on the foot and I kicked out and I have been causing grief ever since!!!), but seriously, this was the 'first step' to realizing that with that sort of sensation, I was destined to walk. Destined for big things. If by typing my name into facebook and you see these photos, I would like you to follow me on Blogger as many big things are going to happen this year and beyond. I want to get my story out there and I want to help children in schools by telling them they are not alone.

I started off doing hydrotherapy and this is why I am a walker to this day along with all the other therapies I had known to man.

About four years ago, I went for a swim with a friend and saw the water aerobics class going on in the background.... I just had to try it..... SO I DID !!!

It was suggested to me that I write a bucket list at the end of last year so that is exactly what I did. I've climbed Jacob's ladder:

Climbed Cockburn Stairs

And embarked on Rock Climbing too

The world is my oyster and I want you to follow me on my journey. It's a long way to the top but I'm not going to stop, I'm going to keep on plodding along. Every step isn't going to be easy but I want you to enjoy the climb with me.