Exhausted With Energy

I've  often had so many thoughts go right through my head at once. I'm liking a ticking time bomb. I have lost count of the amount of times I have panicked over something, only to realize the outcome I thought would arise, actually didn't.

I am exhausted to think that all of these thoughts can go through one person's head-MY HEAD. It's like a spinning wheel, spinning way out of control. Several voices going on at once. Sometimes I just wish it would stop, those voices aren't doing me any favours.

I can quite easily worry about the most stupid thing. I can be all too consumed by worry.

What about if I'm late?
What about if this crops up?
What about if this person says this?
What about if this happens?
What about if that happens?
If that happens, this is going to happen.
If THAT happens, then, that will happen
and if THAT HAPPENS, THIS WILL HAPPEN...

SWEATY PALMS, SHORT OF BREATH... STOP TRACEY... STOP !!!

Enter Mum: 'Tracey, what was the original thing you were worried about?
Me:  'I wouldn't have a clue, but now I'm worried about this'.

Anxiety is nasty. Do I want anxiety? Of course not. Do I wish it on my worst enemy. No WAY. If I knew of any other way, I'm sure I would go that way.

Me? Who's That? I Don't Wanna Be Anything Other Than Me.

When stripping down the layers, piece by piece, I'm trying to find myself again. Myself. All by myself. I've been trying to do it a lot lately. On my own, but I've lost the very essence of me.

Today is one of those days that I am trying to find myself and wonder where the hell everything is going. So much to do and so little determination and gusto to do it.

Enter Struggle Street. I want to find the nearest exit but completely lost. Where the Hell do I go from here and How do I get there???

I have to start somewhere.

Gavin Degraw is playing in the background and it is sooo resonating with me right now.

The many faces of me have changed over the years, so much so that I don't recognize myself anymore. Sometimes for the better and other times for the worst. Here are a few photos of me so you get to know who I am, what I look like and how far I've come.

First things first, this photo was taken three years ago

Next two photos were taken four years ago

I could show you a whole heap more of my unhealthy ways and particularly in the last one where I am not able to stand properly without leaning on my brother. Fast forward five years now.

These last photos have been taken since January to only a few weeks ago, in order month by month. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.

I can't I can't I can't I CAN

Changing my can'ts into can's is easier said than done. I will often say 'I can't' when I am in the process of doing something or I have already done it, hence I am letting that negative mind talk, win. Saying I can't do something while I am doing it comes naturally sometimes because it's easier to say 'I can't'. It's only hard until it's done.

Sometimes I am afraid of what I can do. Sometimes it is easier to give up, but the hard thing is to give up and have regret afterwards.

It was once said 'If it's hard to do, it's not worth doing'. It (Life) is worth doing and so much to live for and do and experience.

What do I experience first? Only I can answer that.

Everyone has to start somewhere, start at the beginning, like a book.

When we take our first steps, we start at the beginning and we get to where we are supposed to get, when WE are ready, not someone tells me I am ready. It takes time.

Positivity Page

My Climbing Journey: Getting There - Where Is There. Full Credit To Me, Finding The Way.

My Climbing Journey: 

Getting There - Where Is There:      

Life doesn't come with a map and instruction manual.  When asked what it is I am   doing, I wouldn't have a clue. I have no idea, I know I want to get out of this place, if it's the last thing I ever do, but this 'place' isn't where I was before, trying new things, doing things I never thought I would. I would have laughed at you if you had to me I would be doing what I am doing today.

Advice from a credit card:

Life and living it to its fullest potential is the best investment you can put into your life.
Withdrawing away from people that take and take and take is the best thing you can do to increase value in your own life.
When you learn to spend time on you and not feel guilty about it, full credit to you.

Getting There - Where Is There

  

   Life doesn't come with a map and instruction manual.  When asked what it is I am

  doing, I wouldn't have a clue. I have no idea where it is going. IT being life. How am I ? I am
 sometimes asked and I will often say 'getting there' but where or what is 'there'. Who am I? I'm Tracey Hicks but I seem to have lost the full identity of who I am and 'How am I?' I'm not quite sure. Sure of anything, sure of myself. So where is it that I am going? I wouldn't have a frigging clue, what am I doing? I don't know the answer to that either.

A Lot Can Happen In 117 Days

Finding what your interest is and sticking with it, sticking to what you're good at is being in your comfort zone and a lot of familiarity surrounds it. What about if you try something and you don't know whether you will succeed or fail?

Unless you stop trying, you haven't exactly failed.

I was scared of falling, scared of failing and the uncertainty with my own body held me captive. There was an immense fear of me trying to hold myself together, too scared to move. I wanted to hold on to someone's hand and not let it go... So scared of failure, I stopped trying. Enough was enough and this year, I have thrown caution to the wind and given things ago. This doesn't mean I don't have bad days still, because I still panic about how far I can go, rather than celebrating and embracing how far I've come.

I wanted to break FREE, for the first time and this time I know it's for real. I've fallen in love with JIM (The gym).

I could have fallen off the treadmill (which I did on my first day at the gym *FACEPALM*) and I had the choice to get back on that treadmill or to NOT get back on that treadmill...

Fast forward 117 days and I am on the treadmill and have been since the day I fell off of it, I love Rowan (The Rower) (Rowin'?) (Get it?). There are still machines that I avoid like the plague such as: the elliptical and the inner and outer thigh machine) but if they are the only machines I don't like, well, so be it.

I'm walking with a lot more confidence and letting go of people's hands, before I was hanging on for dear life !!

The water aerobics aspect hasn't been for me as it isn't hard enough so I am concentrating on the gym. I am trying new things, including boxing. The boxing beats a lot of frustration out of me and it's a new found interest.

It shows that the gym works. Being able to feel muscles in my legs, where as before, my legs were very weak.

This is how far I've come... This isn't bragging rights, this is truth.

I am going further in distance with the rower and able to pull the rower, I barely had the strength prior and I'm on it for about 20 minutes before moving on to the next piece of equipment which is usually the treadmill.
The treadmill was at about 2.6 kilometres (The feel of it moving frightened me to begin with and now it has slowly gone up to nearly five kilometres with more progression to come.)
Having very weak legs, I started off at eight kilos on the leg press. Some days my legs would be so wobbly afterwards that if I could have crawled out of the gym, I would have done. I now have muscles in my legs and definite tone which has helped me to climb Cockburn Stairs, Jacob's Ladder, being PT'd and so many other things this year alone... I'm pleased to say that I have finally reached my body weight with the leg pressing!!!

PROUD PROUD PROUD.