Internal Dialogue vs External Dialogue

 

I often get asked whether i listen to myself. Our subconscious mind becomes what we operate from so if you bring yourself down often enough you will start to believe what you're telling yourself. Or the messages you're telling yourself or receiving from others will become your reality. These messages are not helpful and the people connected with these messages are not helpful or helping you no matter what part they play in your life. If you tell yourself down often enough or someone else tells you you're stupid, chances are you will start to and continue to believe in these messages and not in yourself.












  
Am I at war with myself? Perhaps.





If I continue to those who want to and are helping me. I shall survive.

Is This The Way It's Going To Be Forever?

          


People that know me very well, know that I have an irrational fear of sounds, especially screeching, incessant constant noise, screeches and screams. One of those noises is the screech of Jimmy Barnes's voice. The sound of his voice can cause me to leave a room.

Some of his lyrics are truthful and bearable to listen to, just like some days are bearable to get through. Others are so bloody hard.

Is this the way it's going to be forever?
Is this the way it's going to be forever now?

And the truth can set me free and the true people in my life.

Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wide enough.

I need to give myself just 'A BIT OF LOVE'.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends.

Life isn't always going to turn out how we envision it. It's not a fairy tale, never has been, never will be.

One thing is for sure, I never would have got by without the people I now have around me. Some people would like to keep  me where they want me, it's safer for them and they are content in allowing you not to grow.

Growth is something I have seen in me a lot this year and embarking on Brazillian Jiu Jitsu tomorrow is something I can't wait for.

I have a lot to be proud of:

I've overcome obstacles I never thought I would.
I've been able to physically and mentally handle more than I ever imagined
Despite having a less than year ten education, I've managed to write a book.

No, this isn't a 'she's the bees knees





NO I'm not the ants pants







      I am me.         

 

 

White Noise

 

 

Some people need to watch their words. The way they speak. Some people don't care how they speak, what they say and the consequences to how it is going to effect someone.

 

This has been a hard lesson to learn with me and I have become more open to trying new things this year, but at the same time, I have become a closed book.

 

I didn't venture far last year for fear of the adventures that I might go on...

 Were those adventures safe?

Could I possibly achieve something?

What about if...

What if...

What happens when...

 

The voices in my head were filling me with doubt as to how far I could go, how far I wanted to go and should I push my luck...

 

Some people don't like the way I have behaved this year and the decisions I have made.

 They weren't THEIR decisions to make but MINE.

 

In getting far away from my comfort zone, EVERYTHING had to change, but only when I was ready.

 

I hear my own negativity through others this year and it is astounding to listen to...

'Boy, did I really sound like that?'

My attitude SUCKED!!! and it SUCKED BIG TIME!!!

 

Some people would be happy to still be in my comfort zone and to conform to their ideals, some people would be happy to see me live or exist the way I always did, but this year, something snapped AND I decided to change ALL of it.

 

When being told...

You should do this

You should do that...

Yeah I knew all of that, but I had to change EVERYTHING... ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I didn't want to at first because it would have been so much easier to stay in that comfort zone and not venture far...

 

In hearing people's negativity these days, their every sound, people that I can't stand anymore because my circle is a lot narrower than it has been previously, I hear a certain sound, their voice, their ideals... It sends shivers down my spine...That is because I resonate with that negativity, because that person used to be me.

 

Some people I just don't want to associate with anymore...

 

I am not a very patient person, never have been and never will be, but the things I have done and am setting out to achieve is nothing short of AMAZING... Some people and their negativity, I am having to walk away from... or run... run, run, run, run, as was the case with my post this morning...

 

Some people I hear: Their voice... it drives me nuts

Some people I hear: Their laugh... it drives me nuts

Some people I hear: Whistling... I am wanting to throw something at them.

Some people yell and talk over me... I am YELLING back and sticking up for myself.

Some people click pens... I am wanting to shove that pen where the sun doesn't shine !!!  IRRITABLE...

 

Life has changed in some ways and not all ways, but my attitude to some people is far less patient than it use to be.

Run run run run... To run away from you.

Attention, this may come across as not nice language to some people.

Thorn in my side, you know that's all you ever were. Should of known better because I didn't get what I deserved. Respect, yes RESPECT... R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what that means to me.
Every rose has its thorn, like every sunshine has its dawn.

Back to the thorns, I have known some pricks in my time... Newsflash. I'm now being true to me. Nobody else, but me.

Brick walls. Build them up just to tear them down.

 


So, I can't believe I'm about to say this... I built brick walls around me for sooo long. Some of them are still up. Some of them I've knocked down. My own 'demolition derby' this year, breaking down barriers and now breaking all the 'rules'. Rules were meant to be broken. There came a time when I felt like running away... from myself... It was me that had to create something new and that is what I have done. Not everything has fallen into place yet, I know it will, though. The place I was in was soul destroying and self destructive. I made the decision that I wasn't going to waste a lifetime dwelling on anything let alone another second. Onwards and upwards. The life (or existence) I created for myself had to change... I had to change. An event on Tuesday (or happening) has pretty much changed my perception of things, I came across an academy for Brazillian Jijitzu (I think that is how it is spelt) and much like water aerobics, I looked at the lady I was with and the words 'I HAVE TO TRY THAT' spilled out, I think she looked at me like I was nuts, but nonetheless, I said at the time I would 'TRY'. I've said a lot in the past 'I can't I can't I can't'. I'm trying another angle this time... 'A 'TRY-ANGLE'. I'm not fooling anyone, least of all myself, this may not be for me and I may walk away saying: 'what was I thinking, but I am not going to die wondering or go back to dwelling and proclaiming, 'what if'.  Sometimes that feeling of stuck is unbearable. Some days I feel like banging my head against a brick wall. Brick by brick though, that wall is slooowly starting to come down and it's me who gets to decide who I invite into my space. Piece by piece, that wall is coming down and I am determined to knock it down completely.

Alter Ego vs Alter Ego.

Ego:  

ego

ˈiːɡəʊ,ˈɛ-/

noun

noun: ego; plural noun: egos

1. a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.

   
   

   "he needed a boost to his ego"

   
   

   synonyms:

   self-esteem, self-importance, self-worth, self-respect, self-conceit, self-image, self-confidence; amour propre "he needed a boost to his ego"

   • Psychoanalysis

     the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
   • Philosophy

     (in metaphysics) a conscious thinking subject.

     In order to get by some days, I knew that my attitude had to change. I'm the only one living my life, everyone else is merely a part of the journey and its not their job to drag me along and get me through my life.

     I have never credited myself to being up myself. My self esteem can be at an all time high when I am being complimented. The truth is, no one is around 24/7 and it's not their job to keep me going just to give me a boost. I need to feel that self worth and give myself self-respect and self confidence. No one else can do that for me.  Consciously, I need to think and know that I alone am enough. This starts with me finding myself and my own worth.
     
     Finding who I truly am and being ok with that even if others aren't is their problem, no one else can do that for them. In altering how I react to other people's egos and ideals and realizing that isn't how I behave, not what I want and not how I think, it may mean I have to change my circle about 100 million more times throughout this lifetime, but people that are ok with me, and with me being ok with that, I know I will be OK.